Where Are You Right Now?
Conflict in a Quaker Meeting can feel uniquely painful. We come together seeking the Light, and yet we sometimes find ourselves unable to speak to one another, or caught in patterns of hurt that seem to contradict everything we stand for. This resource meets you where you are.
"This is a common fear among Friends, and I am sure many of you share it with me… We do not want to hurt—and so we do not share our differences of thought, word or experience in the open, loving way which would help all of us to grow." — Betty Polster, as cited in Addressing Conflict amongst Friends, Canadian Friends Service Committee
Choose the entry point that best fits your situation:
A Grounding Thought
Conflicts are inevitable aspects of life in community — they are not necessarily signs of failure. British Friends note in Faith and Practice that where conflicts are addressed and their energy transformed, "meetings have sometimes been much richer for the experience."
What matters is not whether conflict arises, but how we engage with it. A committee of New York Yearly Meeting that studied conflicts in meetings found a common element in ones that were not successfully transformed: Quaker practice was not followed.
The Central Insight
The best conflict resolution process in the world will not work if the people involved do not enter the process in an attitude of willingness to resolve the conflict and be open to the Light. Process alone is not enough — but faithful process, entered into prayerfully, has transformed even very painful situations.
Early Warning Signs
Speed Leas, whose work on conflict in faith communities has been widely used for decades, identifies signs that a conflict may need active attention. Do any of these feel familiar?
Understanding the Level of Conflict
Not all conflict is the same, and not all responses are equally appropriate. Speed Leas, writing for the Alban Institute, identified five levels of conflict intensity in faith communities. Understanding which level you are at helps determine what kind of response will actually help — and what might make things worse.
"Quakers sometimes confuse tolerance with enabling, and in this way equate enduring hurtful, bad behavior with open-mindedness and liberality." — Peter Phillips, as cited in Addressing Conflict amongst Friends
Click each level to learn more. Remember that not everyone in a conflict is at the same level, and conflict can de-escalate as well as escalate.
At this level, real differences exist — about goals, values, information, or how to do things — but parties believe the problem can be solved. The objective is to fix the problem, not to defeat the other person. People share information openly and are willing to collaborate.
Language clues: Specific and clear. People name what is happening without innuendo or generalization. Feelings may run high but anger is short-lived.
What helps: Problem-solving approaches, good facilitation, clear information-sharing, normal Meeting for Business processes.
At Level II, people still want to solve the problem, but a new concern has appeared: I don't want to look bad or get hurt in the process. People begin to seek advice from allies, and language becomes more general: "There's a communication problem," or "People aren't acting like real Friends."
Language clues: Generalizations replace specific descriptions. People begin protecting information. Hostile humor and distancing appear. Compromise is often proposed but doesn't hold for long.
What helps: Building trust between parties, skill-building in communication, creating safe spaces for honest conversation before tensions harden.
The objective has shifted from problem-solving to winning. Factions form and members begin to define themselves by which "side" they're on. Language becomes distorted: magnification (seeing oneself as more virtuous than one is, others as more evil), over-generalization ("You always," "Everyone knows"), and assumption of motives become common.
Language clues: "Us vs. them" framing. References to principles and eternal verities rather than specific issues. People feel they know others' motives better than those people know themselves.
What helps: A neutral third party is now important. Trust-building remains essential. Expressing feelings to a trusted third party (rather than to opponents) can help prevent further escalation.
At this level, the objective has shifted from winning to hurting or removing the other from the community. The good of a subgroup has replaced the good of the whole. Factions are hardened; leaders have emerged. Ideology replaces issues — people speak of rights, truth, freedom, justice in absolute terms.
Language clues: Fight-or-flight survival responses. No middle ground between attacking and leaving. People cannot differentiate persons from their ideas. Primitive survival responses are triggered.
What helps: A professional third party is required. The Meeting cannot manage this on its own. Rules and structure become more important, not less. Outside help from the Yearly Meeting or experienced conflict consultants is needed immediately.
Level V conflicts are not within the control of the participants — they are conflict run amok. Each party's objective is to destroy the others, who are seen as not only harmful to the organization but to society itself. The costs of withdrawal are perceived as greater than the costs of continuing to fight.
What helps: Outside authority. Separation of parties if necessary. Major structural intervention. This is beyond what most Meetings can manage internally, and attempting to do so without outside help often causes more harm.
An Important Caution
Each of us is susceptible to bias if we hear and sympathize with only one party's story. It is wise to try not to make assumptions or hold too firmly to our ideas about what is happening. There are almost always pieces of the story that we are not aware of — and conflict tends to divide Friends into camps depending on whose perspective is heard first.
Quaker Processes for Conflict
Friends have developed a rich set of practices for navigating difficulty together. These processes work best when entered into prayerfully, with a genuine willingness to be changed by what one hears.
"The best conflict resolution process in the world will not work if the people involved do not enter the process in an attitude of willingness to resolve the conflict and be open to the Light." — Rob Hughes, former clerk, as cited in Addressing Conflict amongst Friends
Worship sharing is a form of gathered listening in which Friends speak from the heart on a question or concern, without responding to one another. It creates space for the Spirit to work through individual voices without the escalating dynamics of debate.
How it works
- The group settles into a period of centering silence.
- A query or concern is named — not a question to debate, but a question to sit with.
- Friends speak one at a time from personal experience. There is significant silence between speakers.
- No one responds to what others have said. Cross-talk is gently discouraged.
- The group closes with silence and brief reflection on what was heard.
When to use it: When a community needs to hear from its range of voices on a difficult topic without pressure to reach a decision. Useful early in a conflict, or as preparation for a threshing meeting.
A threshing meeting is called specifically to work through opposing or controversial issues, without the pressure to reach an immediate decision. The image comes from the agricultural process of separating grain from chaff — a threshing meeting separates the substance of a concern from the noise and heat around it. Careful preparation is essential so that objectivity and a caring respect are maintained throughout while feelings are shared and personal animosity acknowledged.
How it works
- Prepare carefully: identify the question, select a skilled clerk, establish ground rules, and communicate clearly that no decision will be made at this meeting.
- Begin with worship. The gathered silence is not optional — it sets the tone.
- Friends speak to the concern from their own experience and perspective. The clerk ensures all voices are heard, especially minority views.
- Responses address the issue, not individuals. The clerk redirects personal attacks.
- Close with a summary of what was heard — themes, concerns, points of convergence — without forcing a conclusion.
- Bring findings to a later business meeting for discernment.
When to use it: When a community is polarized on an important question and needs to surface the full range of views before attempting to reach unity. Also useful when a decision has been made that a significant number of Friends feel was rushed.
A clearness committee is normally used to seek a way forward on a particular issue or problem facing an individual Friend. Those present listen and offer queries in a non-judgmental way, rather than telling the Friend what to do. Spiritual listening is a contemplative discipline that pushes us beyond the immediate impulse to fix — we are pushed to a level of listening beyond our own powers of analysis.
How it works
- The Friend seeking clearness requests a committee, usually of 3–6 trusted Friends, through the Meeting's care and counsel or Ministry & Nurture committee.
- The Friend prepares a written description of the concern to share with committee members in advance.
- The meeting opens with worship. The Friend presents the concern in their own words.
- Committee members ask open, honest questions only — no advice, no stories from their own experience, no "have you tried..." suggestions.
- The committee helps the Friend hear their own inner wisdom by asking questions that illuminate, not direct.
- A follow-up process is agreed upon if needed.
When to use it: When a Friend is wrestling with a personal concern related to the conflict — a sense of call, a grievance, a difficult relationship — and needs the community's prayerful support in discerning a way forward.
Sometimes the most important work happens between two people. One-on-one spiritual listening differs from listening that tries to solve problems or provide therapy. It is a contemplative practice of being fully present to another person — receiving their experience without judgment, advice, or the need to fix anything.
This kind of listening can be offered by Ministry and Counsel members, elders, or any Friend who has cultivated the capacity. It can help Friends feel genuinely seen and heard before more formal processes begin, and can sometimes resolve difficulties that would otherwise escalate.
When to use it: As an early and ongoing practice of pastoral care. Ministry and Counsel members who maintain regular, caring contact with the Meeting's members are often able to sense and respond to difficulties before they escalate.
Developed by Friends in the US based on restorative justice principles, a Meeting for Reconciliation seeks to move parties toward restored relationships of trust when more informal processes are not working. It involves more structured facilitation and typically requires someone with training and experience in facilitated dialogue or mediation.
Unlike a clearness committee (which focuses on one Friend's discernment) or a threshing meeting (which surfaces community views), a Meeting for Reconciliation brings parties in conflict directly into a facilitated encounter aimed at understanding and repair.
When to use it: When informal pastoral care and community processes have not been sufficient, and when there is a genuine willingness on all sides to seek restoration. A neutral, skilled facilitator — possibly from outside the meeting — is essential.
Knowing when to seek outside help is itself an act of wisdom and humility. When Ministry and Counsel or those named to help transform a conflict are themselves part of the conflict, or are perceived as not distant and objective enough, they may need to step aside and external support sought.
Resources to consider
- Your Quarterly Meeting — clerks and experienced Friends who know the wider Quaker community
- Your Yearly Meeting's Ministry and Nurture or Oversight resources
- The Canadian Friends Service Committee's resource Are We Done Fighting? and facilitated retreats
- Community mediation centers — neutral third-party mediation for community conflicts
Key Reading: Fostering Vital Friends Meetings, Part Two
Compiled by Jan Greene and Marty Walton for Friends General Conference (1999), this 397-page resource collection brings together articles, guidelines, and practical tools organized by topic. It is available as a free PDF from FGC. Section R2: Concerns of Ministry and Counsel is especially rich for meetings navigating conflict. Selected articles from R2, grouped by focus:
Pastoral Care & Peacemaking Support
- R2–10 What Monthly Meetings Can Do in Support of Leadings and Peacemaking Efforts — Rosa Packard
- R2–11 Clearness Committees, Committees of Care, and Committees of Oversight — Canadian YM
- R2–15 Clearness Committees and Their Use in Personal Discernment — Jan Hoffman
Setting Limits & Recognizing Difficult Behavior
- R2–29 Setting Limits — Gospel Order Sub-Committee, NYYM
- R2–30 Signals and Actions — Gospel Order Sub-Committee, NYYM
- R2–42 Confrontation — Bruce Bishop
Understanding & Engaging Conflict
- R2–33 Friends and Conflict — Jan Greene
- R2–35 Sense of the Meeting, Sense of the Parking Lot — Jan Greene
- R2–37 Addressing Conflict — Ad Hoc Committee to Address Conflict, NYYM
- R2–40 The Steps Involved in Following Gospel Order — Steven Davidson
- R2–41 Strife in the Meeting — Outreach Committee, NPYM
Workshops & Structured Processes
- R2–43 Workshop: Meeting Problem-Solving Process — Jan Greene
- R2–44 Workshop: Identifying Your Meeting's Conflict Norms and Sanctions — Jan Greene
- R2–45 Meeting for Reconciliation — Steven Davidson
Interactive Tool
The Friendly Process Picker
Not sure which process fits your situation? Our interactive decision guide walks you through a short series of questions about your conflict and recommends the most appropriate Quaker process. A good starting point for choosing the right next step...
Open the Friendly Process Picker →Free Online Workshop — Full Video + 7 Chapters
Conflict in Quaker Meetings: Crisis or Opportunity?
New York Yearly Meeting's Conflict Transformation Committee filmed a full workshop now made freely available on a YouTube playlist. The playlist includes the complete workshop recording along with seven shorter chapter segments, making it easy to watch in full or navigate directly to a particular topic. An excellent companion to the written resources listed above.
Watch the full playlist on YouTube →Roles and Responsibilities
Addressing conflict in a Quaker Meeting is not the responsibility of one person or committee alone — it is the work of everyone. But different roles carry different responsibilities. Understanding who is responsible for what, and when, is itself part of faithful conflict transformation.
A Word of Caution
It is a challenging feature of serious conflicts that they tend to undermine trust in each other. This can divide Friends into camps depending on whose perspective is heard or believed. Those in caring roles — Ministry and Counsel, clerks, elders — need to be especially careful to hear all parties before drawing conclusions, and to be transparent about what they are doing and why.
Ministry & Nurture Committee
Where there is a Ministry and Counsel (or Ministry and Nurture) committee serving a Meeting, it carries special responsibility for the spiritual health of the community. Its role in conflict includes:
The Meeting Clerk
The clerk plays a critical role in how conflict is managed in Meeting for Business. A well-clerked business meeting can hold disagreement faithfully; a poorly clerked one can deepen divisions. Key responsibilities include:
Elders
Elders are seasoned Friends whose ministry is acknowledged as Spirit-led. In conflict, their role is distinctive: eldering is not punishing or scolding — it is the act of naming a pattern that does not benefit the person or the community, and doing so with tenderness, leaving the person feeling truly seen and heard.
What Eldering Is
Eldering requires making oneself open and vulnerable to one's own part in the situation, and not passing judgment. Even if the person being eldered feels defensive at first, over time they may come to recognize the care that was received. The task of eldering sometimes shifts into spiritual care and support as the broader context of a Friend's situation becomes known.
Every Friend
It is the work of everyone in a Quaker Meeting to strengthen its worship and build a vibrant and caring community. Extending unqualified loving concern to all in the Meeting does not resolve specific grievances, but it creates the conditions for conflict transformation to occur.
"It is the work of everyone in a Quaker Meeting to strengthen the Meeting's worship and to build a vibrant and caring community." — Addressing Conflict amongst Friends, Canadian Friends Service Committee
When the Meeting Cannot Do It Alone
Meetings are not therapy settings, and they lack the expertise to help members address certain serious mental health or personal issues that may be driving conflict. Recognizing this is not a failure — it is wisdom. The Meeting's responsibility is to maintain a safe space for all to grow spiritually and socially, and sometimes this requires seeking professional support, or making difficult decisions about participation.
Queries for Reflection
In the Quaker tradition, queries are open questions offered for honest self-examination — not tests to pass or standards to judge others by, but invitations to look with fresh eyes at our own condition and that of our community. The following queries are drawn from Addressing Conflict amongst Friends (Canadian Friends Service Committee) and from the wider Quaker tradition.
"When hearing others' perspectives on a conflict, do I just go through the motions of listening, or am I sincerely willing to be changed?" — from the Additional Queries, Addressing Conflict amongst Friends
For an Individual Friend
- What is motivating my reactions? Do I want to understand, or do I want to punish or cause harm to those I'm in conflict with?
- Do I hold back, in my own heart, the full truth of my experience — and does this holding back cost me and the Meeting something?
- Am I willing to be changed by what I hear from the other? What would it mean to let go of my commitment to opposition?
- What would love have me do?
- Why does this person, this issue, push my buttons? What inner work is being called for in me?
- Am I sharing my concerns with those who can help, or venting with those who will simply agree with me?
For a Ministry & Nurture Committee or Meeting Leadership
- What are some of the results of conflicts in my Meeting — and what has been left unaddressed?
- How are the structures of our Meeting helping Friends to follow Quaker processes and feel heard early when conflicts arise?
- How clear are we about confidentiality in our conflict processes, and are we following through?
- If our Meeting cannot positively transform conflicts on our own, where will we turn for help?
- Are we keeping our doors open to anyone — including those whose behavior is harming the community? How do we hold both welcome and accountability?
For the Meeting as a Whole
- Are there conflicts that have been avoided or engaged only reluctantly — and are they dragging on and harming our vitality?
- Do our Meetings for Worship support the kind of inner work that helps us meet conflict with love rather than fear?
- What activities could help us develop the trust among Friends that is essential when conflicts arise?
- How can we use a difficult experience as an opportunity to become a body that is less susceptible to fostering hurt and anger — and to advance to a new place in our journey?
Three Skills for Engaging Conflict in a Friendly Way
Mary Lou Leavitt, writing in the British Faith and Practice, offers three skills drawn from her experience. These are not techniques so much as qualities to cultivate:
1. Naming
Being clear and honest about the problem as you see it. Stating what you see and how you feel, owning it: "I see," "I feel" — not "surely it is obvious that…" or "any right-thinking person should…" This is dangerous — it can feel confrontational — but it needs to be done, carefully, with love, in language others can hear.
2. Listening
Listening not just to the words but to the feelings and needs behind them. This is a kind of weaving: reflecting back, asking for clarification, being truly open to what one is hearing — even when it hurts — and being open to the possibility that we might ourselves be changed by what we hear.
3. Letting Go
Not giving up, nor lying down and inviting people to walk all over us — but acknowledging the possibility that there may be other solutions than the ones we have thought of. Letting the imagination in. Making room for the Spirit. We need to let go of our will not so as to surrender to another's, but so as to look together for God's solution.
"Through conflict handled creatively we can change and grow; and I am not sure real change — either political or personal — can happen without it." — Mary Lou Leavitt, British Faith and Practice